I realized that perhaps a part of my personality had sabotaged itself. Ok, let's turn the clock back a bit and describe the scenario.
About a year ago, I was doing well, and felt pretty successful. However, something was missing. Or perhaps I felt I was missing out on opportunities to further myself. It's a common issue in the IT security field. We want more... Either more money, more responsibility, more knowledge, or even the ability to help out more people. I just felt I needed something.
I saw a position opening at a major company that looked like it would have fit the bill perfectly. It was at a well know and liked company, doing security (incident response and forensics), and with the benefit of helping tons of people all over the world. It would mean learning some new skills (extra win for me) and would get my name out there (rock star here I come!). So, why not apply? Of course I did. This is where the issues started.
First, this was a major internet services and software company, so I figured there was no way they would want me. I was sure there would be someone better, even though I know I am good at what I do. No worries then right?
Not so fast, they called me back. "WOW", I thought. Maybe they really would like me. I did a telephone interview and had a blast. I have always been good at talking with people, especially when it comes to areas I love so much. But this was JUST a telephone interview... I have had tons of those before. No worries again right?
Then suddenly, I receive a telephone call stating they were interested in bringing me in for an in-person interview. WTF?!?! I mean they wanted to FLY me down to California to meet up with them. Ok, this was indeed getting serious. But I thought, I am cool, I can do this.
By the time my flight arrived, I had already convinced my wife that this would be a good thing. I would continue to keep working from home, but for this awesome company. Can I do it? Yes I can!
The interview came, and that is when the real trouble started. No, I did not blow it. Quite the opposite, I did very well. Apparently I not only had the skills and drive, but could talk with both the technical and business side of the company. They seemed to genuinely appreciate me and loved what I had to say. And the team I applied with, did I mention they were SMART? Even more so. It blew me away.
I came away fully thinking I might get the job. Everything was good... Or so I thought...
I started getting second thoughts. I mean, am I truly worthy?
I started feeling that these guys were out of my league. I started to worry that I would not be able to contribute to a decent standard. After all, I am not in it just for the pay cheque, I am there to both learn, and to make the world a bit better. If I am always playing catch-up, I wouldn't feel useful and that would probably end my entire career one way or another.
It became so bad, that when I was offered the job, I spent a whole weekend going back and forth. Eventually I turned it down. I am sure I surprised them, I know I surprised myself, and even surprised my wife (who doesn't care for me changing jobs too often). It was one of the harder decisions of my professional career.
Ok, now fast forward a bit (well, all the way back to present). I started to reflect again on this event and started to realize a few things. I had sabotaged myself. Obviously I was qualified for the job, and they had truly wanted me on their team. I remembered reading something by Dr. Barker from the UK about imposter syndrome. http://cyber.uk/imposter/ I have turned out to be a victim of my own self-doubt and feelings of being an imposter.
Now nothing can change the past, I know that, and accept it. But reflection and learning about this even I feel has helped me realize some of my limitations, and facets of self that I need to change. I know, nothing particularly ground-breaking, however as this event kept popping up in my mind, I felt a need to understand it further. Posting this blog is part of that process. Healing and self-understanding are very important, especially in a field as dynamic and driven as IT security.
Let me know what you think in the comments. I am sure many of us have had such times or moments when we waivered.
Derek
